2:20am // 7th November 2013
Enticing chills across the skin of my neck, sowing thoughts of melancholy, budded and blossoming in my mind. Thoughts of which, indescribable, but to remind me that nothing is getting better and that my life is subtly falling apart.
Inevitably, my school life is crashing in and collapsing like a cliff into ocean depths, deteriorating rapidly under my own fault and consumption. This can’t be fixed either, as I am sincerely empty and lonely, physically and mentally. I have no one to guide me through school, no friends, no ‘sister type best friends forever’ bullshit and no peers to understand. It’s like being in a box that’s been taped up. Struggling and squirming, but you can’t get out.
This loneliness, has again, buried itself under my skin and created two types of thoughts. The thoughts of which somewhat slight positivity occur and provoke that 'I’ll be okay’ or 'you don’t need friends’ or 'you can pull through’. But that is the minority of the amount of thoughts in the overall comparison of recent occurrences and impediments to my brain. The majority, are negative. You need friends to survive, you need friends to get good grades, you need friends to be happy. You’ll be lonely forever. So where are they? Why am I alone? Again, the fragment reference of being in a box has majored to a cry for help, an outburst. “Let me out now, I want to be like everyone else, why can’t I be happy?”. An entrapment.
Fragile pieces of my life all scattered. Why do I not have friends? Was I not meant to have any? Am I destined to die alone? Is this my purpose, to be a lost and miserable soul amongst many? Nobody knows.
My health’s somewhat deteriorating and a majority of the time, I feel pathetic. This therapy and psychotherapy and social therapy and treatments and doctors appointments.. I feel no benefit. Psychotherapy isn’t going to give me friends? Counselling isn’t going to make me pretty? Medicine isn’t going to make me get good grades? Everything is ripped to tatters, and I’m sat here, beyond hours thinking. Repeating. Worrying. All in vicious cycles.
I don’t really know how long I’ll really last, it’s like my life is a just worthless. Pathetic. Seeking no reason to exist. Sickly.
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